OUCH!

OUCH! It starts so young! My 4 year old daughter comes home to tell me that on the playground today she was told that she isn’t pretty. OUCH! At 4! Why go there? All of a sudden my head reels to bulimia, anorexia, self esteem issues – all of these issues that the media have (admiringly) brought to our attention; (although she did say quite matter-of-factly that she thinks that she is pretty anyway, so I think I’m OK). I also realize that if others’ 4 year olds are saying such things, mine must be too. OUCH! (another essay, entirely!) BUT, at least it is just her looks that is being attacked. Because society puts so much emphasis on looks, size and sex appeal I automatically think it must be the end of the world. Quite frankly, if my daughter is going to be put on the gang plank for something let it be looks! I’d rather her looks be made fun of than her character, kindness, genialness, manners, empathy and compassion.

But, on the flip side, my son was born with a forme frust ; “An incomplete, abortive, or unusual form of a syndrome or disease.” His is in the form of clefting. It looks as though he’s had corrective surgery on his upper lip from a cleft lip. He really is a handsome devil and has enough personality to make such a slight almost imperceptible. However, there will come the day when another kid (or adult) will point it out, ask him about it, chide or make fun of him for it. Chances are such a comment won’t really be out of spite or deliberate hurtfulness, rather inquisitiveness or the person’s uncomfortability with things that are different. But, OUCH! The thought makes my heart palpitate and my eyes well up. My parental protectiveness about knowing that my child is just going to have to deal with a certain issue; I want to protect him from any sort of hurt. I’d like to know what tools to give him to help him cope. Do I talk to him before his lip is noted by a stranger? When? At what age would he begin to grasp it? Why bring it up if it’s not really an issue? Does my bringing it up therefore make it an issue? But, I’d rather have him first deal with the realization of it in the security of our family. Since Freya doesn’t seem to be listening to what other kids say about her looks, maybe he won’t either.

So, I figure that I’ll probably be more sensitive to kids commenting on Tag’s looks than Freya’s. Knowing that and even expecting it might take some of the sting out of it for me. Maybe that’s part of the battle – bracing myself for it, so I can focus on his needs when it does arise. I know that it is easy to say that I’d rather my kids’ looks be debated than their character, but really, aren’t the other things more important? As many of the magazines and TV shows continue to focus on outward packaging, I trying to focus on teaching empathy, compassion, kindness and manners. Batting eyelashes still works, but please and thank you get you pretty far too. If I can help my kids have the confidence that no matter what the package – it’s the contents, won’t that help? Can’t we change the perception of the world, even if it’s our own little corner of it – things grow.

Sara Rolfs, who is currently trying to make things other than weeds grow in her garden.

Update on Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 3:12PM by Sara Rolfs

Reader here's my question:  If I'm going to talk to Tag about his lip at what age do I bring it up?  I've heard 5 or 6 is about when kids become self aware in that way.  Do any of you have experience and advice?

Another thought:  I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Guyana.  There everyone stated facts about appearances;
"Hey white girl"  "Hey fat man"  "Hey tall man"    It definitely took me some getting use to, but it's just part of their culture.  It was refreshing in a way to have people blatantly calling it as they see it.  Maybe sometimes I, and our culture, are too sensitive?

Comments

[ggm42]

So, as a parent of a child that might comment on your child's lip, how do I react to such a situation? My child might just be pointing the difference out, like a birth mark, or a speech issue - just asking a question, not meaning to be hurtful.

[sara rolfs]

I'm walking in Lowe's & my daughter says, "Why is that man so fat." OUCH! I am embarassed and try to keep myself from overracting. I explain that people come in all shapes and sizes and the sometimes some people don't like the word fat.

Believe me, my kids do it too. My take has always been to respond to the situation- not react. Try to explain it and that sometimes pointing differences out can be hurtful and that we need to just be sensitive to it. Unless it's in a bullying sense, no one should get in trouble for it, just be sensitive to the potential of others' feelings getting hurt.

[Laura]

My father has a cleft palate and hair lip. I never really knew it since he wore a mustache my whole life. He has expressed concern that one of his grandchildren would also inherit it since childhood kids were a little mean to him. He grew up to graduate as an electrical engineer, a fantastic father and a leader in his community.

[Kate]

At the age of 4, I've found that children are observant-not necessarily mean. Recognizing that yes someone is different, but that we are all part of the human family and deserve respect, generally has helped with my kids. When my 4 year old son Lehi asked the 60 year woman who had a double mastectomy if she was a grandpa or a grandma, I let the woman explain and then I added how lucky she was to have such a beautiful body. Lehi walked away happy and satisfied.