Slaying Dragons - Molly Cooper Steere
Monday, November 30, 2009 at 5:20AM I am exhausted from warding off postpartum depression. Every day I get out of bed, sword drawn, ready to slay the dragon of depression. I fight it off with great energy in the morning, but when darkness falls, the dragon is pretty much singeing my eyebrows with his breath. (If you’re wondering about the whole dragon thing… I like making myself sound like a medieval warrior fighting fantastical beasts rather than a stressed out, sleep deprived new mom with a mental illness. It’s just a thing I do.)
My husband and I knew postpartum depression was a very real risk for me. I’ve suffered mild bouts of depression over the decades and I had a few other risk factors. My pregnancy was decidedly un-fun. I have fibromyalgia which got worse during pregnancy causing chronic pain that didn’t allow me to sleep for approximately six months. And right before I got pregnant I had two major surgeries on my neck, moved twice, changed careers, and oh yeah, we’re building a house. By ourselves.
Mid- pregnancy, the crying began. Sweet fancy moses – the crying! At first, I blamed it on the hormones but my husband very gently informed me that I was Not Well. Luckily, I was able to call my doctor’s nurse, explain the situation and get on meds right away. Had I actually gone in to see the doctor I would have done my makeup, put on my best grin and repeatedly told him everything was a-ok. Because I really want to be a good patient. A healthy patient. I HATE letting anyone see me in pain, either emotionally or physically (this trait led to an absurdly upbeat and polite 38 hour delivery of my son)
The medication helped fairly quickly. My husband rejoiced that he didn’t get sobbing, irrational phone calls at work in which he couldn’t understand a word I was saying through the whimpering and the snot. Then it was calm. The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful. Delivery was long and hard (aren’t they all?) and my son had a few health issues, but he was out of the hospital within a week and we embarked on our new adventure of parenthood.
I didn’t think it was possible to love someone more than I loved my husband but (sorry, honey) he’s been bumped. At least until the terrible twos and then I’ll reconsider. What a glorious little bean we got to take home from the hospital! All pink and soft and phenomenally tolerant of our poor parenting skills. Long monkey toes and little baby noises. I was smitten with my child and my new role as a mom.
And then, behold the anxiety!! Two months in and completely out of nowhere, I was struck down my debilitating anxiety. It would have been more understandable if the anxiety was somehow baby related – about his health or my parenting skills. But it was generalized anxiety that I couldn’t put my finger on. It kept me up all night. I couldn’t relax my jaw or shoulder muscles. I was exhausted and became completely dysfunctional.
Once again, my husband gave me a little nudge to get to the doctor. We’ve upped the meds. We’ve changed meds. We’re still working on finding the right solution. In addition, I work out hard almost every day, try to eat healthy, practice yoga, get fresh air and make sure I get out of the house frequently to meet with friends or clients – just to talk to an adult for a minute or two. If I stay on top of it all, things are good. It all seems very exhaustive and time consuming, but when I slack a little bit that nasty dragon gets the upper hand again.
We all have our battles to fight. Some are short and some are long. Some are visible and others aren’t. All of them change us in some way. The old me wouldn’t admit to suffering from postpartum depression, but this experience has changed me. Opening up to others has given them permission to speak about their personal battles that I otherwise wouldn’t know about. What I’ve found is that we’re all dragon slayers of sorts. Some of us just have a few more dents in our armor and burn marks on our helmets.
Molly Steere is a new mom and freelance writer. She slays dragons in her spare time.
Reader Comments (8)
Thanks for sharing Molly! I think today's woman is expected to be some many things (wife, lover, mom, worker, friend, daughter, provider,etc...), and all of those things are supposed to be done perfectly. I love your comment that we all slay different dragons. I know that my dragons also sneak up when I least expect them.
What a wonderful sense of humor you have, Molly - thanks for sharing it -brightened my evening.
I am up for a walk...maybe even a little run. Getting this weight off is one of those dragons for me....let me know. I could use the company. - becky
It is good you got help Molly. Your husband is wise to push you along. What a good man! So many women put on a pretty face and suffer...depression is one that should not go too long. And too many mates don't support them. Just my two cents- Lindy
I always think of Tom Cruise's reaction to Brooke Shileds' bout with PPD. We are far too educated to allow women to suffer with post partum. I am glad your husband recognized it and that you took the steps to get help. Keep going. You have made the right decision.
Molly,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have suffered post-partum with all four of my children and the last time nearly killed me...literally. Even now, even when I feel (somewhat) normal, it is a breath of fresh air to hear that someone else has been through this too and that I'm not alone. Thank you for your courage. I appreciate you and you.
Kristen
Thank you all for your comments and support! This is one of the (many) reasons I love this website - a chance for all of us to share our struggles and achievements and realize we're not in this alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thanks for sharing this! Nice to know another survivor of PPD likes to use warrior imagery. I'm a Warrior Mom myself! Keep on slaying that dragon. Eventually it will go down once and for all.